If I could find the words to express myself.. I'm just shocked.. She went behind my back and just slept with that scumbag Mike, days after we didn't talk. DAYS! No..she told me about him days after. She had been with him while we were together. That, I finally pieced together tonight. She doesn't remember the days, but oh I do..very well.

I got ahold of that guy Joe that claimed Michelle robbed him. He tells me that she and her boyfriend Mike did it when he passed out one night about a month ago.. Her boyfriend.. He didn't want to say much about it and I can understand that. He said he had filled out the paperwork with the police and gave them their names. That they had even stolen a gun. However the story was different when I spoke to Michelle. She said she and mike were there and that not long after, they got into an argument and she had left Mike there but heard he left not long after. That they didn't do anything but when she heard what was going on, that she herself went to the police. I'm not sure what to really believe but hearing both sides did open my eyes to the fact that she blatantly cheating on me..for a while in the midst of telling me how much she loved me and not to ever leave her... Now I know why she would say to text her before I called.. I get it. And I asked her when it started and why.. Her answer, "we got into a huge argument and he was there. I got bored and slept with him" what in the fuck.. I told her I had been cheated on enough in the very beginning and I vowed never to stay with anyone ever again that did that to me.. And I'm not.. I'm done. I can't. She apologized profusely and I accepted it but I can't anymore.. That has left me completely stunned. I can't imagine trying or even knowing how to get past that. We hung up and she text me more apologies but I can't believe it. I'm a tad more focused than I was an hour ago but still..that really hurts. Out of everything I've stuck it thru with her. All my money to help her, even when she was still with Mike.. Knowing how she did it..no. No more. I'm upset and wish for different but I can't. I shouldn't. She said she would disappear anyhow. Maybe that'll make it easier but that fact and what she said can't ever be erased from my mind. Bored.. Wow..

Now I'm just sad. I just can't believe it..

Damn.

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I've been so tired lately that I haven't had the chance to write. Things have been okay the past few days. The work days are no joke here. I work hard but these people play just as hard and that's not me anymore..not the way that they do it.. They literally party and I don't.

Things with Michelle were getting better. We talk when we can and text each other. She's still out and about hustling. I had messaged her brother, the so called big man and asked him to help her. But he's so full of shit and excuses..it's not even funny. He's fucking pathetic. That whole family is in a lot of ways.. The only one who seems to do anything is Michelle.

Last night tho, a twist was added to the mix.. Michelle Kosik called. She had just gotten out of jail and was warning me that she was going to go to the police and tell them the truth, that she hadn't ratted out Michelle about robbing the neighbor and that Michelle and her boyfriend of then did something else too and how she found a syringe in her purse and bla bla bla.. I had to put her on the spot and asked her for this guy's number that she claimed Michelle had slept with. I called it but no answer but I will try again later after work. I want to know the truth from both of them. Bcus if that shit is true.. I could never be with Michelle. And as it is..I'm trying to heal. So, I need the truth.

For now tho. I'm going to have another cigarette and finish getting ready for work.

Almost there..it's Thursday.

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So I finally made in late last night. The rain was so thick that we had to stop a few times and wait it out and then we got a little lost looking for the hotel. I was exhausted by that point and needed rest but Michelle called while she waited for Rosie. And we had a good conversation just like we use to.. We laughed even.. It's been so long since we had that, like ourselves again. It was late but it was nice. She was going to stay somewhere she didn't like too much but I knew she would be safe and she did text when she got there. I know she's okay.

Don't have much time to write and I better get going. Traffic is very hectic and a storm is approaching. I'm not sure what the day will bring.

Monday morning in Miami.

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I text. She called. We cried. We talked for a bit. We can't agree on things but we have love and whole lot of hurt. She couldn't tell me where she was. She said I wouldn't like the answer, so I stayed quiet. She sees black and white..I see gray.

I miss her right now. I want to hold her..but my anxiety holds me in fear instead..

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I have to start moving around or else my mind is going to swallow my soul. Never to be seen again, by no one.

I wish I wasn't in this type of predicament.. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate having no release. I'm in my own torture bcus of love.

This love is killing me from the inside out. I can feel it. I'm starting to see it when I look in the mirror.

How quickly things change..

Again.

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One week ago today, things drastically changed.. I had picked up the phone while sitting in this same exact spot in bed, thinking, being so down and defeated.. The days in between from that Sunday to this Sunday were heartfelt days.. I smiled and thought too much but I felt good for a little while. This Sunday, today..I feel heartsick. Drunk with love and some remorse. A few regrets. Just simply sad..

It wasn't a bad day at all yesterday..it was quite good, typical work day.. Went for my cycling ride around the island and expected to come home and talked to Michelle but plans changed. She text that she was going out to go hustle and meet up with Rosie. I couldn't say much bcus I was in the middle of getting ready and closing up for the weekend. So I went cycling, thinking she would change her mind. Larry had called in the midst of that and invited me to dinner. So after cycling, I stopped by and had dinner with them while we watched a cute movie called Paul. Then home. She had text that at Rosie's it wouldn't cost anything to stay there but there was no water or electricity. I went home and text and called, but no answer. I got upset bcus after everything that has been happening up there, with women getting robbed and stabbed, she chooses to go out and hustle and wait while her crackwhore friend turns tricks and watch her back. I couldn't believe with everything I've sent her this week..it's all gone.. It all went to buying crack to sell. That's the truth that I can't get out of my mind. I had to leave the house again to get a few things and decided to take my bicycle out to cool off. I ended up going off and calling her a whore. I was so mad. I don't see what she's doing..I don't know. I ended up running around looking for a place to fill her card anyhow. I didn't have the extra to give..but I did it so she could get something to eat, some cigarettes and get off the damn streets. But that turned out differently.. We bitched at each other and she cried hysterically for a while. Things just weren't good. We hung up and text. And she told me how much she loved and for how long and I caved in. I softened up and just wanted her safe. I ended up finally going to sleep very late. And this morning I woke up a few times just thinking about things.. I text her and asked her to call. I just wanted to hear her voice. We ended up dozing off together and she hung up at some point. Since then I've been wandering in my mind as to what to do. This is it.. Which leap do I take and in which direction? There's so much debris constantly falling upon us, drama, bad choices, hurt, anger, sadness and regret. But the love is still there between us.. I want nothing more than to love her but I'm hurt and tired. I know she loves me but a lot of hurt she creates.. I'm not sure where to go from here..

I have a big dilemma today bcus I'm due to be in Miami later on tonight to work for the week and she thinks I'm going to just save her, but how can I? When there's so much pain in between and no desire from her to fix any of it. The forgive and forget method.

So now, I sit here in full pensive mode and hold in the tears as best as I can and try to sip this cup of coffee before it gets cold. It's only the afternoon. The day hasn't even begun..

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Tired but good this morning. Time to finally get out of bed. Have my cigarette and get ready for work. Saturday is finally here. Too bad it isn't a three-day weekend again...

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Today has been a good day all around. Good work day, good paddle out afterwards and came home instead of staying out for dinner. Which I'm glad bcus I got my phone bill paid and Erin took me out for a spin and get food. I'm glad I got that extra slice bcus I can eat that calzone. It's watery.. Looks nasty. Phone is back on and Michelle called to say goodnight. She sounds so cute when she's like that..squeezes my heart. She said she'd call when she woke up but I'm going to finish my beer and step outside for a smoke and hop in bed. Tonight I'm actually feeling tired. Last day of the week tomorrow. Finally..

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